Fake Facebook Ffjording

After a lovely week with family in Bournemouth and Cornwall we headed back up to the big smoke for a few days to catch up with friends. We had booked into a hotel near the airport.

Unbeknownst to us it had been been inspired by the Japanese pod hotels.

The rooms were tiny, windowless and freezing.

Meat lockers.

They looked for all the world like the cabin on a 1980’s cross channel ferry.

Not the good sort but the type that bored truck drivers abused or shattered stressed families returning from a week in Spain crammed into, sunburnt and tiered, mum and dad at each other throats. The images came effortlessly into my mind.

And so began my fictional cruise.

Initially it was going to be one post, an ironic commentary on the hotel room but it took on a life of its own and so ensued a parallel reality on Facebook…

Day One

Our cabin turned out to be on the inside of the ship with no port hole. Certainly not the stateroom with a sea view we thought we had booked!

However the sound of the engine’s hum combined with the pitching of the ship will lull us to sleep in no time, that is despite the vague queasiness of the all pervasive sea sickness…which is effecting Vic the most poor thing has heaved her guts out and is reduced to dry retching and moaning about wanting to die. However it should pass by morning.

As we left port this afternoon the White Cliffs of Dover looked amazing, passed by a tall ship and were flanked by a destroyer on the other, it felt like we were part of a convoy.

By mid evening the sunny weather back in the U.K. was long behind us and as we steamed north the weather grew much fresher and the sea rougher.

Poppy and James have enjoyed exploring the ship and the onboard entertainment so far, though not so much the idea of line dancing.

The Scandinavian buffet dinner was interesting. I never knew there were so many types of sausage but have discovered I really like pickled cabbage and pickled fish. Although we all agreed that we did not care for the puffin.

Victoria didn’t feel like eating so it was just the kids and I. She stayed in her cabin. Probably best she is not a huge fan of roll mops.

Tomorrow we should wake up to icebergs and fjords. Midnight sun and Northern Lights.

Day Two

Victoria survived the night though around 3am the ship’s doctor was seriously considering emergency airlifting her back to Hull. He says he has never seen such a severe case of sea sickness!

A big injection of stemietil seems to have settled her down.

He says she can have some dry toast later – it is more crisp bread than the toast we know but it will do.

It is all so exotic and strange. More pickled veg for breakfast! This time with smoked cheese and more fish.

Interesting how similar the food of Skamdinasia is to the Japanese diet it’s almost sushi, lovely though, just need some chop sticks and wasabi and I’m there!

The kids love it but Victoria will have to stick to the crisp breads… it’s like rustic Rivita, mind you the butter is lovely.

Day 3

North.

James looking out the dining room window at lunchtime. Stunning back drop. Vic’s found her sea legs and we persuaded her to paraglide off the back of the ship! Brilliant!

(At this point Sue gets suspicious but joins in the game, dad gets confused and Steve smells a rat. But I think I covered it).

Day 4

Land fall and the local market. Lots of soup, sausage, local mushrooms and fish…

At this point Victoria did her nut!

Having stumbled across what I was up to she told me I had to stop my fake cruise and fess up to my nonsense.

I of course said ‘no’ and carried on.

So as we strolled down the South Bank she commissioned an itinerant poet (I kid you not, for life is far stranger than art) to pen a verse to put a stop to my inane game…

Meanwhile back in the real world

So while we were on our imaginary cruise we were really exploring London.

Even as our alter egos left Dover we were sat with friends at the Phoenix Pub watching the Thames drift lazily by in Sunbury catching up with Tara, Kessie, Terry, Chris, Farley, Janice and Peter before meeting up with Lisa and Maisie for dinner.

We spent Monday with Caroline, Wig, George Pete, Daisy and Alice in Ealing before popping in for a cup of tea with Ruth and Robert and met 3 week old baby Loki!

He is lovely but I suspect going to be slightly mischievous…

Then dinner with Debbie, John, Toby, Stephanie, Robin, Max and Erin.

A wonderful two days catching up with friends and family we love.

Tuesday found us in central London.

We met John at Borough Market first thing. We grabbed a coffee and a bacon bun. So good. Then walked along the South Bank stopping in at the Tate to see Picasso and Rothko and Riley.

The Tate Modern has an exhibition on of Picasso’s work

PICASSO 1932 – LOVE, FAME, TRAGEDY

The exhibition centred on the abstract paintings of women he is famed for. I found it really challenging. Disturbing.

The subjects lie naked. Necks broken. Screaming silently. Larger than life. Truly the stuff of nightmares.

I understand that the works were/are ground breaking and in terms of conveying the artists anguish, job done.

But I found them horrifying, not horrible. Upsetting.

Moving through the gallery was like seeing into a dream state. Vicariously witnessing a sleeper’s night terrors. Sharing their darkest thoughts.

As you move through the gallery the pictures seem to become more harrowing and tortured.

The final piece however is tiny. A women peacefully asleep.

La Repose.

To me she was the dreamer finally sleeping easily having dreamt horrors. Her nightmare having ended.

This beautiful little painting seemed to give hope were there had been none. To speak of redemption while surrounded by images of hell.

It certainly made us think, which is what I believe it is meant to do.

Back along South Bank we found this witty little mural. A play on a Banksy. I love the drone where the original has the balloon.

We took in Covent Garden and Nine Dials before heading back to Borough and my new favourite place in London Mercato Metroplitano. It is an epic street food hall built in an old railway shed and under the railway arches.